Episode of Pregnant In Heels – This is Real
So incredible to think that the wee embryo I saw on the screen was Wells. So utterly amazing that on that screen was this very young baby boy, this miracle who so wanted to be here.
When I think of the moment I found out I was pregnant, all the doubt, all the walls I had built up around me, all the talks I had given myself about how I just may not have another baby, all faded away in an instant and I was completely pregnant, completely in mommy mode thinking about the life I wanted to be able to provide my family.
The truth is, though, that the road of pregnancy can be long. Despite the utter joy I felt in learning this news I was also paralyzed with a whole new set of fears – a whole new set of walls. What if I lost the baby? what if there were complications? What if he wasn’t healthy?
I wanted to be able to enjoy the moment, but I was so terrified that something horrible would happen and I wasn’t quite sure if we could weather another heartbreak. But not knowing whether I’d be able to handle losing the baby meant I wasn’t sure I could even handle the wonderful news that there was a baby. It was such a collision of emotions that I think I had to shut off part of my heart.
I don’t think this fear really subsided, nor did I really let my heart open completely again, until I held Wells in my arms the night I gave birth. Staring at him, constantly checking he was breathing throughout the night until the sun rose the next morning, I finally realized I really had another son, I really was a mom to two wonderful healthy boys.
It took me that long to realize the whole thing was real. I’d been protecting myself for so long I hadn’t fully acknowledged the fact that I was actually pregnant. And while I cried with joy the second JR was born, it took me until morning to shed those same tears of joy with Wells because I just hadn’t allowed myself to accept that he was real.
As the sun rose and Wells snuggled into my arms I knew it was real. More real than anything. I don’t know what the future holds for growing our family, whether that is even possible, but I do know I am so blessed and that being the mum to JR and Wells is the privilege of my life.