Trying

I have been rattling this blog post around in my mind for a while now.  In the interest of full disclosure I want to tell you I feel really uncomfortable writing it but I feel that the decision to get personal about getting pregnant and my pregnancy was a really good and important one for me and I don’t plan to stop now, even if I hesitate sometimes about sharing.

I have two happy and healthy boys and It is so important for me to say how blessed I feel every day; it is the privilege of my life to be their Mom.

It is no secret however, that my husband and I have always wanted a big family but then again we all know we don’t always get what we want or when we want it, especially when it comes to trying to get pregnant.  It is also no secret that the process to do this has not been the easiest for us.

I have, however, started to think about whether we should “try” again.  I’ve grown to hate that word as it is so wrought with complexity and anxiety and certainly does not mean a few tequilas, some dancing and boom bada bing we have a baby, for us any way.  But I find when I start to think about this that there is a huge cluster of emotions and questions in my head and I get quite terrified.

For one, I can’t help feeling guilty thinking about it as we already have two children and I have met so many women that can’t have one.  I know logically that me having more children has no bearing on other’s situations but I can’t help but feel this irrational knot in my stomach and the guilt has really stopped me from wanting to talk about it with anyone until now.

I am also quite simply terrified.  For me trying has meant so many months of anxiety, loss and sadness that I start to lose control of my breathing as I think of all the things that might happen and all the things that could go wrong on the road to a healthy pregnancy.  But then I am calmed by thinking of my amazing children and thinking to myself that if it is even possible to have more why I wouldn’t keep trying to get my family all here, because it is so worth it.

Things are complicated though, medically for me, so the question of seeking treatment comes into play.  And then there is that small thing of work-life balance, of which I’m not sure balance is quite the right word.  If I‘m even able to have more children would I be able to spend enough time with them? Would I be able to devote enough attention to each?

Just writing this is making me anxious but when I think about how crazy it would be to have more children in the mix I can’t help but think what crazy happiness that is and why we wouldn’t just go for it if we can.  I am not even sure why I am writing this cluster of thoughts and emotions but I suppose it has started to creep into my everyday thoughts and people have begun to ask again – as they so innocently but often anxiety provokingly do!  Will we have more kids?

So I suppose the answer is complex and I don’t have it yet but if I can find the strength to deal with whatever difficulties may or may not be ahead I think we just might “try”, just not sure what trying means for us this time around.