How to Deal When Your Kid Feels Left Out

How to Deal When Your Kid Feels Left Out

Some kids can’t wait to head back to school—they love seeing their friends every day, enjoy working on new projects, and revel in the sense of independence they get from spending a few hours away from Mom and Dad (well, once they get used to the idea that they’ll see you again at the end of the day!). But for some children, the social pressures of going back to school can be quite harrowing. I’m talking about the little ones who just don’t fit in as well as others and who end up feeling left out and rather low.

We’d all like to think that our children will be well-liked and at least somewhat popular, but the truth is that no matter how enamored you are with your little one, social situations can be difficult to navigate and your child may end up feeling a little lost in the shuffle. If you notice this happening with your kiddo, there are some things you can do to help—and some very well-intentioned things that could totally backfire on you, as well.

First off, encourage the friendships your child does have. Invite them over, and get to know your son’s friend’s parents if you can. Encouraging a deeper friendship will help your child feel supported—reminding him that he has at least one peer on his side even when he feels ignored by the more popular children.

This next tip might be heart-wrenching, but it’s absolutely vital: Really pay attention to your child in social settings and see if her social skills could use a little work. Is she incredibly shy or does she seem outwardly disinterested even though she’s secretly dying to play with the other kids? Does she insist on always setting the rules, or setting rules that apply to everyone but herself? If the pendulum is swinging too far in either direction, try gently talking about it with her once you’re in a neutral environment, away from her classmates or playmates. Bringing up your own experiences and social struggles (oh, come on, we’ve all had our tricky moments!) will help her feel more comfortable opening up to you and your suggestions—but be careful to not make this all about you. It’s your child who’s hurting and who needs a little help in the friendship department.

Also hard? Accepting that not all people will like your child, no matter what they (or you!) do or say. So little Adam from down the street never wants to play with your son? Well, there may be nothing you can do about that. Of course you can try becoming friends with Adam’s parents and encourage interactions between the two children, but in real life, not everyone is friends with everyone else—and that’s okay. Some personalities go together like peanut butter and jelly, while others are more like orange juice and toothpaste. As long as there isn’t any bullying going on, it’s best to help your son find other children who do want to hang out with him instead of fixating on the one or few who’d rather not.

Finally, if your child is feeling left out among the kids at school, help her find a social setting in which she’ll really belong. Whether that’s a dance class, a weekend chess club, or a local soccer team, getting her involved with a group where she’s more likely to fit in (i.e. a group in which all children have at least one major interest in common) will help her deepen her social skills while giving her self-esteem a boost as well.

How have you tackled those situations where your kids just aren’t fitting in? Do you have additional advice to share? Let’s get talking in the comments!