The Post-Baby Dating Game: A Whole New World

Playdates, Mommy Groups, Baby Classes – Oh My!

By Molly Hermann

If you thought your dating days ended after marriage and pregnancy, my friend, you were so wrong. A new baby means you’ll be navigating a whole new world of mommy groups, music classes, playgrounds and preschool playdates, and encountering a new group of women along the way. After I had my first son, I attended a breastfeeding support group simply to interact with other adults. I’d shimmy into my “best” maternity pants and oversized sweater in an attempt to catch the eye of a likeminded new mama in the group. It didn’t work. What did work was getting up the courage to call a new mom in my town (I barely knew her at the time) to meet me for a walk. It became a routine. We both treated getting out of the house for our walks like a military operation that relied on precise timetables (the baby will have to nurse in 25 minutes, so hurry!). But we learned a lot about each other and offered support to one another, particularly as maternity leave came to an end.

On another occasion, I was positively giddy that a chic mom in my son’s music class suggested we met up for a barre fitness class. After class, she asked if we could grab a coffee and I assumed we’d be fast friends. But then she pulled out an iPad from her designer bag and showed me how easy it was to be a direct selling representative for a skin care company. It ended as quickly as it began.

Making new friends as an adult can be tricky territory, as Rosie Pope discovered when she moved from New York City to the suburbs of New Jersey.

“When I first moved here there was a class playdate at a local park so kids and parents could meet each other,” recalls Rosie. “Obviously I wanted to put my best foot forward, but in my anxiety to make it all work I forgot diapers for my little one and of course she pooped. I ended up having to bum a diaper and felt more like I was trying to bum a cigarette from the looks I got! Guess it wasn’t the bonding moment I thought it would turn into.”

Rosie says that navigating a whole new group of potential friends is reminiscent of the high school days, prompting her to question what to wear and how to act. “All I do is think about women!” says Rosie.

Approaching moms at the park can work, but it can also be intimidating. I’ve always had more luck with neighbors and an impromptu playdate in the backyard. Playdates with moms and children from mommy-and-me classes and preschool also are a casual way to get to know someone better. Although there was the time I nearly hid all the battery-operated toys and bottled water in the house to impress one eco-conscious mom. It was a futile effort. She was kind and openminded and there were too many toys to shove into the closet.

If you are lucky enough to fall in with one of these close-knit mommy groups, extricating yourself may be difficult. One mom friend shared that once the women in one of her new mommy groups began group texting there was no end to the messaging. She’d receive up to 100 to 200 texts a day about “every sniffle, new toy and new food.” Then it started happening in the evening as they began “live texting” during reality shows.“Every time I would build up the courage to extricate myself from the chain (and, in essence, the community supported by the chain), one of the woman would have a legit parenting crisis and I would want to support her,” she said. “In a move of total avoidance, I decided just to increase to an unlimited text plan and hope that the texting would phase out. I’m still waiting.”

I stumbled upon the best advice for making new friends from my son’s children’s book, which we bought used at the library for 50 cents. In Grover Goes to School the muppet’s mom hugs him and says, “Just be yourself. You are very lovable.”

Tags: baby classes, mommy groups, parenting, playdates, playground, the dating game