Making the Choice to Become a Single Mother

As I write this, I am deep in the trenches of early motherhood as a single mother. My 12-week-old son is sitting in his bouncy chair, finally lulled into some sort of mostly quiet calm, after spending most of the afternoon screaming, crying, and otherwise inconsolable. I just finished my work for the afternoon (I work from home as a writer), and am on my 3^rd or 4^th caffeinated beverage. It’s hard to keep count these days. Later, I will feed my son, get him ready for bed, nurse him again, and hope he sleeps for a while. It’s only after he goes to bed that I will make dinner, do some more work, maybe watch a show on Netflix (but probably not), pump, shower, and go to bed. And repeat the next day.

Reality vs. the Abstract

I knew being a single mother would be hard, but it’s even harder than I expected. As usual, the reality is very different from the abstract. There have been days where I have tearfully wondered if I made the right choice, or questioned why I wanted this. In the dark moments, those 3am feedings when I can barely see straight and I keep nodding off while nursing him, or those days when it’s 2pm and my teeth aren’t brushed, I’m half dressed and half in pajamas, I haven’t been outside in 3 days and I have trash to take out and loads of laundry to do, it is easy to feel alone and wonder why I did this.

When I turned 30, I made a list of things I wanted to do before I turned 40. On that list was the idea that if I wasn’t married or in a serious relationship by the time I was 35, I would become a single mother by choice (SMBC). It was one of those things that I never thought I’d actually revisit – until I turned 34 and had a feeling my fertility was not great, and saw a reproductive endocrinologist (RE) to get my AMH tested. AMH levels give you an idea of your ovarian reserve, and mine were very, very low. At 34, I had AMH levels comparable to a woman in her early 40s or so. All of a sudden, I didn’t have as much time as I thought I did.

The Stream of Questions for the Single Mother

When I finally got pregnant, it was thrilling and terrifying, exciting and nauseating. It felt very unreal for the longest time, and though everyone told me how brave I was, I felt anything but. There were the seemingly innocuous questions at specialist appointments or at baby stores about the father, the so-quick-you-almost-miss-it glances at my ring finger when I was undeniably with child, and now that he’s born, the comments about whether or not he looks like his daddy.

Did I ever think I’d be a single mother, much less one by choice? Not in my wildest dreams. For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be a mother. But it was always in the context of marriage or a serious relationship. When I told my family about my pregnancy, their first question was “Who’s the father?” They brought up questions like how will I tell my child about the donor, what will I say when they ask why don’t they have a dad, and what if I have a boy?

Well, I have a boy, and I will tell him the truth – that I wanted him so much that I found a way to bring him into my life, and hopefully, we will build enough of a village around us that he will have male role models to look up to and turn to. Parenting is hard, whether it’s single parenting, two parents, a blended family, and so forth. I am grateful that I was raised to believe that I could do anything I put my mind to. I don’t think my parents had this in mind, but it has unfolded this way, nonetheless. Through Facebook, I have met other SMBCs, other new moms, and found a village of people who support me on this journey and take an active interest in my son. On bad days, seeing messages or being able to connect with someone is more helpful than you’d think.

Freud once said, “One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful.” The past 12 weeks – no, the past 11 months, from the day I found out I was pregnant – have been a struggle. They have been filled with the lowest lows, but also with a deep love, and laced with wonder. I have been challenged in ways that are uncomfortable, and have also been rewarded in kind. I have faced fears and learned my strength. Being a single mother by choice is the hardest job I have ever had, and will be the most challenging one for the rest of my life, even if I end up marrying someone. But I have a feeling it will also be the most beautiful one.

Jaime Herndon earned her MS in clinical health psychology from the Philadelphia College of Osteopathic Medicine, her MPH in maternal-child health from UNC-Chapel Hill, and her MFA in creative nonfiction writing from Columbia University. She is a writer, specializing in women’s health and oncology, and a new mom. In her spare time, she is training to become a doula and a certified childbirth educator. Her writing has been featured in New York Family Magazine, Mommy Nearest, and HuffPo Parents, among others.

Tags: AMH Levels, Single Mother, SMBC